


Blindfolded Lovers

by ghost_tits



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: And all that jazz, Angst, BPD Erin, College AU, F/F, Slow Burn, also, and, autistic holtzmann, bc I am too weak for college AUs, bc neurodivergent holtzmann and erin are my everything and basically canon, bc this is gonna have a lot of it, but with a promise of a happy ending cause I am not that cruel, u have been warned, yea gonna leave it here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-23 04:29:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10712196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghost_tits/pseuds/ghost_tits
Summary: Holtzbert College AU.orIn which Erin and Jillian are two young kids, each bearing their own scars, and they are drawn to each other's humanity and most vulnerable parts. But when two broken souls meet, they will either become each other's salvation or destruction. Which is it gonna be for them?orWatch me torture your favorite characters.





	1. the rooftop

**Author's Note:**

> I just had this one singular scene playing in my head for a very long time now. An opening scene to something. I recently decided to put faces on it and make it the beginning of an actual story, so here we are. 
> 
> Not gonna lie, I feed off of angst, so this is surely going to be a very heavy one, but I do solemnly swear not to hurt them fatally.
> 
> All the mistakes belong to me. Also shout-out to my buddy Lis (astrozombiies) for being my ever-lasting inspiration.

_The big, golden speck in the late evening sky._

_Betelgeuse - one of the most well-known supergiants. The ninth brightest star in the whole sky and second brightest in the Orion constellation – or was it first?_  
  
Holtzmann’s memory betrays her on the specifics of star constellations as she is trying to reflect her vast knowledge of shiny space substances upon the quiet October evening.

Maybe vastness is the problem. Always having interest in one too many things. Trying to acquire too much information in one go. She enjoys reading on constellations, but distant galaxies are very eye-catching too. Then she gets distracted by all the striking theories on black holes and the Moon. Hours pass by, and Holtzmann finds herself watching documentaries about the great mystery of Anasazi? How did she exactly end up digging through videos on an ancient civilization when she actually started off her leisure time activity by simply checking out  
Earth-alike planets.

Just one innocent topic. Then it leads to another and another...

This is the primary process that stands in the root of everything when it comes to Holtzmann, and the way she navigates through the mess that is her life.

Having various interests is cool. Not being able to focus on one particular subject isn’t though. (Or worse - obsessing over just one and ignoring the rest. Yeah, that happens too sometimes.)  
It is the same problem both when it comes to harmless hobbies and big, life-changing decisions, like her college major.

_Maybe that is the reason why you are now second guessing something that definitely shouldn’t be second guessed. Why couldn’t you just – Nope. No._

Holtz stops her train of thoughts.Although it feels more like a train that was set on circular shaped rails, always  moving and moving without a break, never arriving anywhere.

She decides to give it a brief pause - _not gonna think about it anymore, at least not tonight -_ knowing very well that it is not a probability that her brain could afford, she still gives it a go.

Holtzmann releases her tight grip on her phone. She has been clutching to it with way too much force than necessary. It is either due to the coldness of the weather that almost reaches her bones, or the heaviness of her thoughts going through her mind.

(It is both.)

She puts on her earbuds, turning on the music, and letting it take her away for a few fleeting moments.

As she goes through the songs on her playlist, Holtzmann notices someone approaching her. Her brain concisely speculates around some random thoughts since it would be very uncanny for someone to come up to her at a house party (or a whole building) full of strangers. When she finally looks up, Jillian sees a pretty girl with dark eyes and a shy smile.

“May I,” the girl asks gesturing to the spot next to Holtzmann.

“Um,” Holtzmann freezes for a second, “Yeah, sure,” she manages to give a full answer.

“I am Erin,” she introduces herself, “I am in your Mathematical Physics class?” Erin tries to clarify things seeing Holtzmann’s confusion.

“Yea… sure,” she says while simultaneously scouting to her right to let Erin know that she is welcome to join her. Holtz is painfully aware that her forcefully uttered acknowledgement of this Erin girl was so obviously faux, and she actually has no idea who the girl is. She makes a mental note to look up and check her surroundings more thoroughly next time she is at a lecture hall.

Now that Erin is seated so close to her, she takes a few seconds to inspect her attentively without making it awkward. She thinks back to her previous observation of the girl. _Dark eyes_. Even darker up close. It is a dark shade of blue, but also possesses a different kind of darkness, beautiful, nevertheless. _And her shy smile_. She has a small mouth and thin rosy lips, and a small nose to go with it. Lastly, she looks at her shoulder length, straight, brown hair. It flows freely unlike Jillian’s, which is tied up in a style peculiar to her as usual. Yeap, she is pretty. Jillian does really need to pay more attention to the people in her immediate vicinity.

“Sorry, I don’t actually recognize you.”  
  
“Yeah, I gathered that much,” Erin replies with a smile, “As I said, we share a class, but I don’t think you are a Particle Physics major, are you?”

“Nuclear engineering,” Holtzmann supplies.

“That is cool,” Erin says in a somewhat lower tone, taking her eyes off of Holtzmann and looking somewhere else. _Great job. You made an awkward entrance and even a more awkward small talk. Now what._ Erin Gilbert is not a spontaneous person, she likes planning things beforehand, rehearsing the conversations in her head prior to speaking them out loud.  She definitely does not go out of her way to make a random move. Well, apparently she does now. Because, of course, if she couldn’t manage to approach a certain blonde at the end of their shared class despite planning it in advance, she would surely succeed if she did it at a rooftop, just 20 seconds after spotting her. Letting things happen naturally is the worst way to go, because she will end up stuttering, forgetting what to say, or say something silly. If anything, the awkward silence that just sunk between them is the proof of it.

Holtzmann isn’t good at reading people’s body language, she will also accidentally interrupt people while having a mutual conversation, however, she notices Erin’s discomfort, or rather her uneasiness, and decides to pick up the talk, “You didn’t ask for my name.”

Erin looks up, parts her lips slightly wanting to say something, but nothing comes out.

“Holtzmann, Holtz, or Holtzy... your pick, I listen to all,” She punctuates her sentence with a smirk, and it does seem to ease Erin up a little bit. Erin figures it is a last name of sort, and wonders what her first name would be, but decides not to ask.

“Aren’t you missing out the party by sitting here?” Erin asks with a newly-found confidence.

“Aren’t _you_?” Holtzmann tries to dance around Erin’s question.

“Well, I am not attending the party, also I live here.”

“How do you know that _I don’t_?”

“I would have remembered it if I saw you around,” Erin gives herself a mental high-five for her quick answer, which wasn’t too straight-forward, also managed to make Holtzmann smile. “ _Do you_ live here?” she decides to add for a good measure.

“No, I don’t live at _this_ residence hall or any. I live with two of my friends at their apartment. It is close to the campus though.”

Erin murmurs something in return, the conversation dissolving into silence yet again.

_Maybe this was a mistake. She is obviously not interested in talking to a stranger._

She looks ahead, taking in the astounding view of Greenwich, which she loves to gaze over so much that she doesn’t think she could ever get tired of looking at. It always seems to fill her in with a positive energy and hopeful thoughts, however, it isn’t doing any of that right now.

Holtzmann notices Erin fidgeting with her fingers. She recognizes the motion since it is something that she, too, does a lot when she is overwhelmed with too many feelings, be it positive or negative. (Hers is a little bit different though, it involves her fingers and earlobes.) She wants to say something, to assure Erin that she has nothing to be nervous about.

But Erin beats her to it and speaks up first, “I am sorry for invading your personal space like this. You obviously came out here seeking solitude from whatever it was going on inside, and I… It wasn’t right… I will leave now. It was nice to meet you, Holtzmann,” she tries to get up hurriedly, but a gentle grab on her right arm stops her.

“It is fine. Stay.”

Erin settles back. Holtzmann has her hand still lingering on her arm loosely, but after a few seconds she retrieves it. “I didn’t come to the party willingly… I mean I did, but it was mostly due to my friend relentlessly teasing me about how if I kept my interactions limited to only two people, I’d soon forget how to talk to other humans.”

“You seem to be doing a great job at communicating with me,” Erin responds with a smile.

“It makes three people in total then,” Holtzmann adds with a matching smile.

“Didn’t go that well inside?”

“Nope.” She decides to elaborate on her answer after a few moments. “Actually there was already too much going on, so here I am.”

“Overwhelmed?”

“Kinda.”

“And being outside helps?”

“Not really, but music does,” she says while gesturing to her phone in her hand.

Erin goes through a mental face palm upon hearing it and remembering that Holtzmann, indeed, had earbuds on when she walked up to her. “I am sorry for interrupting.”

“Erin, do you always apologize this much?” Holtzmann asks with an obvious hint of sarcasm in her voice.

Erin knows the answer. But staying silent is probably better in this case because there is a high chance that if she speaks, it might turn into a third apology.

Holtzmann gets briefly worried that she couldn’t get the tone of her voice or her facial expression quite right and actually came off offensive like she is usually prone to.  It wouldn’t be the first time that someone mistook her intentions and got resented.

“If it would make you feel better, you can join me,” she offers the right earbud to Erin.

Erin takes it, putting it on. “What are we listening?”

“Um… yea, this is an inconsistent pile of everything, and I mean _everything_. I wouldn’t even call it a playlist, it is more of like I have left my phone in the middle of a very huge crowd, and everyone just came up and downloaded one song that _they_ liked, and now I just roll with it.  
So be warned,” Holtzmann tries to clarify and ready Erin for what she is about to face. She is pleased when Erin cracks a small laugh.

When she opens her playlist, she sees the song that she was last listening to, and debates whether to play _that_ or move on to the next one.

Erin notices Holtzmann’s hesitation and asks, “Are you gonna play it?”

 _Well, she is asking, might as well be honest._ “Yeah, remember that thing I said about the inconsistent mess…”

“Holtzmann,” she says with a rather sharp tone, “I really don’t mind,” adding sweetly.

“In that case,” she takes a breath, “This one is an old Turkish song, like, from 70’s. It is really great though, I can recite the lyrics in English if you want.”

 _Erin doesn’t know what she expected, but it surely wasn’t that._ “Oh, okay. Wait, does this mean you speak Turkish?” Erin asks with obvious curiosity and bewilderment in her voice.

“Nope. Sadly, my Turkish is only limited to one, random 70’s song.” Holtzmann already senses the follow up question, so she brings clearance without being asked. “Back home, when I was a wee school kid and spent my Sundays on our balcony, doing some reading, this dude in the balcony next to us did the same, but with a radio and blasting old songs. I recognized them every time he re-played, but this one kinda got stuck with me.” Erin is listening tentatively, so she continues. “One day I finally asked him about it, and he was kind enough to give me both the title, and the translation to go with it. He moved out later, but the song remained in my playlist.”

“What is it called?” Erin finally breaks her silence.

“ _[You have me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX1-ILDBPU8)_ ,” Holtzmann replies.

“Sounds interesting, can we listen to it?”

“Sure. I’ll give you the translation as it plays.”

Holtzmann hits play, and the song comes to life. She begins reciting the lyrics in English, in synch with the singer.

_If you find yourself longing for love one night,_

_Reminiscing old days,_

_Your heart empty, your hopes consumed,_

_Don’t worry, you have me._

_No one knows what you have been through,_

_Always hoped for love from those around,_

_Don’t weep after those who have left,_

_Even if they leave, you have me._

_Time has stilled while waiting for you,_

_I bind my heart to one love,_

_I would never leave if you wish,_

_I would travel from far away if you ask,_

_I used to fear loneliness,_

_No more, I have you._

The song gives rise to mixed emotions within Erin. It isn’t unusual for her to harbor strong feelings towards a song, but she has never really been one to listen to stuff in foreign languages. She always thought that there would be inconsistency due to the lack of understanding of lyrics, like it wouldn’t feel complete. She wouldn’t be able to judge or enjoy the song in all its fairness and glory. So she usually opted out of that.

And it isn’t like this was any different. Having the lyrics read for you is still not the same as thoroughly listening, fathoming, and absorbing it. Yet Erin gets an odd feeling that she can’t quite explain, because there is a contradiction. The tune of the song is undeniably sorrowful.  
And the lyrics, well, they talk about empty hearts, being abandoned, and grieving in yearning, but the entirety of it is actually a calling for hope.

“Are you okay?” Holtzmann’s voice pulls her out of her own thoughts.

“Yes,” Erin answers quickly.

“Did you like it?” Holtzmann asks with a drop of hesitation.

“Can we listen to it again?”

Holtzmann’s lips draw in a delighted smile, and they do listen to it again, and many other songs in her playlist after that.

Holtzmann doesn’t know how much time has passed since Erin and her sat there listening to music and chatting occasionally, but she notices Erin shivering involuntarily from the cold.

Once they move inside the building, Holtzmann goes to bid her goodbye.

“I have to go or else my friends will be worried. If I am staying this long at a party, there must be something wrong.”

“Okay,” Erin says smiling, “I will see you in class on Tuesday?”

“Sure, we will see each other. Good night, Erin.”

“Night,” Erin says in a hushed voice, “And thank you for sharing your playlist,” she slightly shouts behind Holtzmann.

She turns around, “Thank you for the company,” she signs a two fingers salute with a grin on her face and heads towards the elevators.

______

That night Erin goes to bed thinking about Holtzmann, the girl she has been meaning to approach and introduce herself for a while now but never thought she would actually have the courage to do so. She thinks about their evening on the roof top, the songs that they listened to. Oh the songs. They were as diverse as Holtzmann said they would be. But Erin enjoyed them, nevertheless. And she let Holtzmann know that with a little commentary at the end of each song. She thinks about the genuine smile that appeared on Holtzmann’s face whenever Erin said something nice. She thinks about witty comments that she threw around, and made _Erin_ smile. She thinks about Holtzmann’s blue eyes and her blonde strands that danced freely here and there in the windy weather. She thinks and thinks, and replays their encounter in her head, she also smiles involuntarily while thinking about it. After a while she falls asleep, the blonde still in her mind and a slight smile on her lips.


	2. the movie night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys. Thank you for all the feedback, they make mah lil, gay heart happy. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, I really liked writing it. :)

Apparently, that Friday night wasn’t the only occasion Erin would have their little moment at the rooftop playing in her head. During the weekend and following Monday Erin finds her thoughts drifting to a charming smile, and humming to now a familiar tune. Random instances from their shared night would spring into her mind and make her smile. It would also make her question a few things. Like, how she has to stop referring to it as _their shared night_ because it sounds, well, odd and incorrect. Surely, a shared night refers to something entirely different, and, to be honest, Erin has no idea what it _actually_ was. She always feels the need to categorize things accordingly, to put a label on everything, but that small experience seems to be floating around, at least for now. There are things, questions that momentarily come and go because she shoos them away as soon as they appear before having the chance to actually examine them and find an answer. If it were any other matter, Erin would be taking it down to pieces, analyzing it, going over it again and again until she finds an answer. This time she refuses to go through with it, she is afraid of the conclusion that she may come to.

But that doesn’t mean some fractures of her thoughts aren’t waltzing around. Because they totally are.

_Blonde._

_Night at the rooftop._

_Lectures._

_Missing fragments of lectures that were spent stealing glances from a certain someone._

_An oddly attractive someone._

_Songs._

_Rooftop._

_A very well-spent an hour or so._

_…_

                                                                                                                            

______

  
  
On Holtzmann’s end things weren’t so different either. She, too, has been doing a lot of thinking of her own. Her thoughts are usually messy and anxiety driven, but right now this one small, happy memory seems to stand out. To Holtzmann, it was a very private and intimate moment, as if it was one isolated instance from reality. It is a memory filled with serenity among all her erratic and apprehensive thoughts. Usually her two best friends are the ones helping her take her mind away from the dark places that it is prone to wander frequently. Holtzmann notes that Erin had a similar effect even with just one encounter. 

______

…

_Tuesday class._

_Tomorrow._

_Phone?_

_Phone number?_

Erin is suddenly struck by the fact that she forgot to ask for Holtzmann’s number before they departed. _Well, it isn’t like she would have agreed right away to give out her number_. _Still practically strangers. Remember?_ Erin has to remind herself that just because she is so eager to get to know Holtzmann and possibly spend time with her, doesn’t mean that she feels the same way about her. She hopes that when she meets Holtzmann for their shared class tomorrow, she won’t ignore or dismiss her, and things would actually run nicely because she really doesn’t want to lose whatever she is starting with Holtzmann. Although, she fears greatly that things won’t work out the way she hopes they would, and Holtzmann will disregard her or any good intentions that Erin has towards her.

______

8:47 AM.

Erin is sitting at the lecture hall, waiting for her Mathematical Physics class to begin. That isn’t the only thing she is waiting for. 13 minutes to go until the class starts, and Erin hopes to catch Holtzmann before it does, or else she will have to wait until the end of it. She is usually a patient person, doesn’t rush in, doesn’t try to make things happen before their time, but right now she feels the excitement filling up her insides, too much to keep in, it wants to break free like an animal trapped in a cage. It is neither wise nor safe to set that all free, so she just waits, patiently.  
  
_You have waited for 3 days now, come on, it is not that big of a deal._

8:56 AM.

When Erin lifts her gaze from her notebook, she sees Holtzmann moving in her direction, probably to take her seat at her usual spot, which is two rows below where Erin always sits. Suddenly Erin isn’t sure how she is going to do _this_. Should she call out her name to get her attention? Should she approach Holtzmann once she takes her seat? Wouldn’t that be too awkward?  Besides, class is about to start, does she even have enough time to start a small talk? Maybe she should just… mid-thought she notices Holtzmann looking up and they make brief eye-contact. Holtzmann smiles immediately, a genuine one, Erin notes, which causes a wave of relief wash over her because that is a good sign. Erin mirrors the smile and mouths a ‘hey’. Holtzmann returns it with a ‘hi’ and even a more genuine smile. She notices their professor entering the hall, gives a final look to Erin, and sits down to start the class.

______

 

10:34 AM.

Class is dismissed, and students are moving out of the lecture hall slowly and steadily. Erin is still seated and so is Holtzmann, it appears. Once the room seems to be half-emptied, making it easy for Erin to move between the rows, she approaches Holtzmann, taking the empty seat next to her.

“Hi,” Erin pauses for a second, “Again,” she adds while giggling. She doesn’t know when or how or even why she has become so giggly talking to Holtzmann.

Now there is a small fraction of fear growing inside, telling her that she could be coming off too enthusiastic, which might seem weird or even creepy... But before she starts to drive herself into more anxious thoughts and paranoia, Holtzmann speaks up, taking Erin’s dark thoughts away.

“Hey, how was your weekend?”

She is still smiling and her smile is pretty, Erin thinks.

“Good. It was good. I mean I mostly studied, but it was fine. And you?”

“Same. Studying and a pizza night with your friends is a good enough weekend, I guess.”

“It is,” Erin nods affirmatively, her smile never leaving her lips.

“How many classes do you have today?” Holtzmann asks.

“Two more, which reminds me, I should get going,” Erin says, checking the time. She needs to leave soon if she is going to make it to her next class on time, but she doesn’t know how to casually ask for Holtz’ number.

“We are actually having a movie night tonight, which should be similar to our pizza night but with a, you know, actual movie,” Holtzmann looks at Erin with a slight head-tilt now that Erin is standing, “Do you wanna, maybe, join us?”

Erin certainly didn’t expect that offer. She doesn’t know how to respond at first.

She can’t recall the last time she had a movie night?

With a bunch of people?

People that she doesn’t even know?

“Um… wouldn’t your friends be annoyed that you brought in a complete stranger to what I am assuming is supposed to be a fun night among friends?” Erin finally asks, a little concerned.

“Nah. My friends are cool. They are gonna be happy to have you there. The only other emotion that they might experience is probably shock over the fact that I am actually bringing in someone who doesn’t already live at that house.” Holtzmann answers.

 

Erin wants to say “yes”. Erin _will_ say “yes”. But Erin will also regret saying “yes”.

It doesn’t really have anything to do with Holtzmann or her friends, this is just how it is. Every offer to socialize, to spend more time with people seems nice enough to say “yes” at first ― when that offer is still fresh, it seems like a good cause to commit. But the longer it sticks around, waiting to be fulfilled, the less desirable it becomes. It just starts _rotting_ , seeming like the worst idea in the world the more Erin plays around with it in her head. She says “yes” without weighing the pros and cons, and later cons shadowing the pros when she gives proper thoughts to it.

She can already feel the regret climbing its way up.

“Yes. I mean sure… I’d like that.”

_Great job. Answer first, regret later in the true fashion of not breaking the cycle._

“Okay, I’ll text you the address,” Holtzmann says, getting up as well. “Wait. I don’t have your number.”

_Well, at least you don’t have to worry about asking for her number anymore._

“Here,” Erin hands Holtzmann’s phone back to her after typing her number.

“I’ll see you later then,” Holtzmann says, rushing out of the hall.

“See you.”

Erin realizes that she is the only one standing in the middle of the lecture hall. Might be a good time to contemplate her recent decision, but she has to hurry to her next class.

______

While settling for her next class, she gets a text from Holtz.

The address.

It is getting _real_ and so is Erin’s anxiety.

______

Holtz puts her phone down after texting her address to Erin. She feels like as if someone else were in control of her consciousness for the past 10 minutes and now that she is back, she is becoming aware of the events that just took place.

_She just gave Erin her address._

_She just invited Erin to her house._

Even though she doesn’t like deviating from her all too familiar order in every-day life, she does take part in reckless moves sometimes. This was definitely one of them.

______

6:00 PM.

Erin is standing in front of Holtzmann’s apartment building. She has been there for the past 15 minutes.

Standing.

Pacing around in small circles.

Fidgeting with her fingers.

There’re a million things running through her mind right now. This doesn’t look like the moment before she made the move to approach Holtzmann on that rooftop. No, that was different, that was more instantaneous, which was very unlike her, she remarks, _again_ , because she has been thinking about that as well for the passing days. She is aware of the clashes in her personality and her actions from time to time, but abandoning her ‘planner’ self and acting purely on her instincts isn’t one of those clashes that occur seldom. _But look how that turned out?_ Well, it didn’t have a killer start, but it actually went well, and now she is at her door. Yes, back to the reality.

_The apartment._

_The door-bell._

_Cold._

_It is getting really cold. Just ring it._

So she does and she is let in. She buzzes it again once she is at her doorstep. It takes for a while for the door to open, but then she hears someone inside the house running towards it, finally it opens, revealing a slightly panting Holtzmann.

“Sorry I made you wait,” she says taking a breath, “I am on the popcorn duty and I am trying my best not to mess it up. Come in.”

Erin takes a step inside, “It is fi—” Suddenly her attention shifts to the shirt that Holtzmann is wearing under her hoodie jacket, and Erin finds herself unable to finish her sentence.

It is a grey tank top, and it has a rather _interesting_ slogan written on it:

**_Yes, your gaydar is accurate._ **

“Oh.” is the only word she can get out.

Holtzmann keeps surprising her with various things, like her sudden invitation and choice of clothing, and it has only been four days since they have become acquainted with each other.

She knows there is no way to salvage _that_ reaction and turn it around, make it less embarrassing, so she just goes for the first thing that pops into her mind.

“Um, nice shirt.”

_Nailed it._

“Thanks,” Holtzmann says, smirking, “It was a gift from my friend Patty.”

When Holtzmann had taken the shirt out of the gift bag and read the slogan, it had made her laugh with happiness and excitement. It was Patty’s coming out present for her. She had thanked her and promised to wear it proudly although she has never expected to elicit that kind of reaction from a girl while wearing it.

As they are moving towards the living room, Erin brings her hand to her check, feels the heat radiating from it, wonders if Holtzmann has noticed the pink shade that is, no doubt, very evident on her face right now.

When they enter the living room, she smells freshly made popcorn, hears a faint music coming from one of the rooms, and is directly facing an enormous shelf that covers one half of the wall and is filled with books, souvenirs, and framed photos.

“Wow. It’s… It’s impressive,” she mutters without taking her eyes off of the shelf. She notices Holtzmann smiling from the corner of her eye. Erin steps closer to the shelf and takes in some of its details. She spots a set of thick, black history books on the left. Next to them is a string of white, ceramic angel statues in varying sizes, followed by some more books on their right. Her eyes fall on the photos that are placed next to each other on the shelf below it. They are separated from one another by two dark, metal statues: a ballerina and a man playing the cello. On the left, it is a picture of three little girls, probably age of 10-11. There’s a small, blonde girl, whom Erin assumes to be Holtzmann, being hugged by a significantly taller girl with beautiful, dark, curly hair on her left and a tall and slim brunette with long, straight hair on her right. A group hug with a tiny Holtzmann being sandwiched in between, where they all are wearing genuine, bright smiles. Erin thinks it is pretty adorable. Right next to that picture, there is another one with the same people and same pose, which appears to be a recreation of the original one but with their adult-selves.

_Okay, that is pretty cool. Maybe we can try something similar with Abby next time she is in town._

“That is Patty,” Holtzmann gestures to the girl standing on her left in the picture, “She is a history major, most of these books belong to her, but not all.”

“And that is Jennifer. Just a little tip: don’t bring up politics unless you want the movie night to turn into a solid debate with a Poli-Sci major,” Holtzmann warns jokingly.

“Duly noted.”

“All these statues and souvenirs are courtesy of her, by the way,” Holtzmann vaguely points at the shelves up and down. She doesn’t even need to travel to anywhere to buy these.”

“No?”

“Nah. She will just go to gift stores and pick things up whenever she finds spear time. That is all we get her on her birthdays too, she never complains.”

They both laugh.

 

Her friends seem nice.

It dawns on her that she hasn’t been feeling as anxious since she stepped into the house as she has been waiting outside, or the whole day leading up to this evening.

______

As she is speaking, Holtzmann notes how easy it is to talk, to move, or just _to be_ around Erin.  
The first time they met wasn’t exactly under the best circumstances for her. Actually, the last thing she wanted was to start a conversation with a stranger, however, she hadn’t let Erin leave when she tried to run off, call it an instinct, but it was _something_. She is glad that something good came out of that evening.

“So your friends aren’t home?”

Erin’s voice snaps her out of her thoughts, “No, but they will be soon. Jennifer has a late evening class and Patty is working.”

“Okay,” Erin says and goes back to inspecting the items placed on the bookshelf.

 _This is kind of awkward_ , Holtzmann is thinking. Not Erin’s presence, just the presence of someone other than her roommates, _a guest_.

What do you usually offer to do when you have a guest over?

Let’s see what we have got:

TV?

Popcorn?

_Oh, food._

“Um, Erin, are you hungry, do you want something to eat?” Holtzmann asks finally.

“No, I am good, thank you,” Erin answers with a smile, “Do you wanna show me your room maybe? If you are okay with it, I mean,” she adds a little nervous. 

“This way,” Holtzmann just starts walking and Erin follows her.

 _Maybe this is why it is easy?_ In all their limited interactions they didn’t leave one another in loss for words. There are few people that Holtzmann is able to catch a rhythm with, where she doesn’t feel out of place. Interacting with people can be hard, she doesn’t always know what to say or do next, sometimes people find her attitude odd or misinterpret it. So she figures that she isn’t able to carry a conversation with everyone, let alone a friendship. But Erin isn’t everyone.

______

When they get close to Holtzmann’s room, Erin realizes this is where that faint sound of music has been coming from.

 

_And you may find somebody kind to_

_help and understand you_

_Someone who is just like you and_

_needs a gentle hand to_

_Guide them along_

_So, maybe I'll see you there_

_We can forget all our troubles,_

_forget all our cares and go_

_Downtown, things'll be great when you're_

_Downtown, don't wait a minute more,_

_Downtown, everything's waiting for you._

It is an old song that Erin hasn’t heard before, but she is pretty sure its title involves the word “Downtown”.

“It is a nice song to make popcorn to,” Erin says as the song ends and Holtzmann reaches to turn it off completely.

“I like blasting music while I am doing something. Helps me to relax and focus better.”

“Even while studying?” Erin asks.

“Yes.”

“Oh. I thought that would be rather distracting.”

“I get distracted when there is any alien background noise, of any kind. But music blocks them out,” Holtzmann explains patiently.

“Your brain doesn’t register the music as a background noise?” Erin keeps her questions coming, trying to understand Holtzmann better.

“No, because it is _my_ music. I have listened to them a lot, I am already familiar with them. Familiarity helps.”

“Oh, it is like how we unconsciously learn not to register the clock noise?”

“Yea, like that, but I’d still get distracted by a clock noise.”

“Oh.”

Holtzmann sighs, “It is kind of messed up, all I know is that music has always been helpful.”

“I get it. I am sorry for bombing you with all these questions,” Erin says apologetically.

“You want to understand. I appreciate that,” Holtzmann says with a smile, and she really _does_ appreciate it. She isn’t bothered by the questions. She never is. She is usually sick of the judgment without reason. Erin is anything but judgmental. 

She realizes that they have been standing the whole time, “Do you wanna sit down?” she gestures to her bed.

“Actually, can I look around a little bit?” Erin asks.

“Sure.”

Holtzmann’s room isn’t big. There is a window at the opposite of the door. Small pots of plants are lined up on the windowsill. Her single bed is positioned under the window and she has some books scattered around at the foot of her bed on the floor. Her closet is on the right side of the room and is fairly big. Erin notices that its doors are missing so the clothes inside are visible.

“The, um, doors?” Erin gestures to the closet, clearly wondering why they aren’t in place.

“Yea, I took them out for an easier access,” Holtzmann answers casually, like it is the most normal thing in the world.

“I am not going to even ask what you did with those doors.”

They both laugh. Erin starts looking over Holtzmann’s desk, which has some more books on it, as well as papers with all sorts of scribbles and doodles on them. On the shelf above her desk there are framed pictures like the ones in the living room, again with Patty and Jennifer. But Erin spots one with Holtzmann and two little boys, who appear to be twins.

Holtz, once again, notices what Erin is looking at and speaks up, “My younger twin brothers, Jaden and Jonah.”

“Cute names,” Erin moves to sit on Holtzmann’s bed and Holtzmann decides to sit on the floor next to the bed.

“Yeah, matches with mine.”

“You have never told me your first name. I mean, I assumed that Holtzmann wasn’t your first name.”

“It’s Jillian,” Holtzmann says in a soft voice.

“Jillian,” Erin repeats it, like she is tasting it on her tongue, “I like it.”

Holtzmann smiles. “Do you have any siblings?”

“Nope. Only child. Always wished to have a sister though,” Erin says with somewhat of a sad smile.

“Why?”

“Well,” Erin takes a breath, “I always thought if I had someone to share my life with, things would have been easier. I had my best friend Abby at school, so it was bearable, but when I came home I was all alone again, standing in front of all my hardships, feeling so small.”

Holtzmann listens without interrupting.

“I mean, they weren’t really _my_ hardships, I guess, rather my parents’, but I was caught up there too.”  
  
“What do you mean?” Holtzmann breaks her silence.

“They got divorced when I was 4. It isn’t like things were great prior to that, but it really got ugly from then on. I thought their arguments would stop once they are free of the marriage which they saw as their “prison”, but it got worse.”

She takes another deep breath and continues, “I just got bounced between two of them like a ping pong ball. They couldn’t decide what was best _for me_ , but never stopped to ask _me_. It is almost like they were too busy debating hypothetical situations that involved my future, they actually forgot about _real me_ , who was only there to witness all those stuff and get ignored. I even felt guilt or… or, like, _I_ was responsible for all that.”

“You were not,” Holtzmann says with certainty.

Erin smiles mostly because she doesn’t want to start crying in front of Holtzmann, but also because the understanding that Holtzmann shows fills her chest with a warm, tingly sensation.

“And I know,” Erin suddenly starts speaking again with a slightly trembling voice this time, “—I know that it sounds kind of selfish wanting to have a sister just so I wouldn’t have been alone in my sorrow, but at times when I was younger and didn’t yet know how to cope, it all felt 10 times harder to bear.”

“You found yourself in an unfair situation where no kid should ever be put in. Don’t seek more things to blame yourself for.”

Erin gives her a half-hearted smile, “And you? Life was nice with twin brothers?”

“Ah, my brothers…” Holtzmann averts her eyes to the window, “yea, they are… they are amazing, I love them, probably only people out of that family that I do,” her gaze returns to Erin, “you see, for me it was kind of the opposite, I had my parents’ attention on me all the time, way too much of it. But it changed after the twins were born, so I am thankful for that.”

“So you were glad to be ignored?”

“Kind of.”

Erin isn’t sure how to feel about this statement. Then again, she acknowledges that Holtzmann hasn’t told her enough for her to make a full conclusion out of it yet, and by the looks of it, she doesn’t seem so keen on sharing private details about herself right now.

It is fine, Erin would never push her to talk even though she is curious to find out more about her. She hopes that it would happen in time when Holtzmann feels comfortable enough for it.

They chat some more, and Erin learns new things about Holtzmann, like the fact that she is from Texas and she is one year older than her.

“Wait, you are nineteen?” Erin asks.

“Yeah, I came to New York after the graduation to live with Patty and Jennifer, they were already sharing this flat and were on their second year at college. But I didn’t apply right away.”

“Why not?”

“Didn’t really feel like I was ready. I got a job, nothing big, just tutoring some school kids. Saved some money, tried to adjust to living on my own. Well, I wasn’t exactly on my own, but you know what I mean.”

“After saving some money I started seeing a therapist, it helped me a lot to make up my mind about college.”

Erin doesn’t ask a follow up question on the subject, instead she relates to Holtzmann’s experience in her own way.

“I know what you mean. Mine was helpful too, in more ways than I could imagine.”

Holtzmann senses sincerity and honesty in Erin’s words, _this is another reason_ , Holtzmann thinks, the fact that Erin is someone who seems willing to listen to others with an open mind and no judgment.

Holtzmann’s next question gets interrupted when they hear the apartment’s door open and close.

“Hey, that popcorn better not be burned or I am coming for your ass, Holtzmann.”

“Patty,” Holtzmann informatively says, looking at Erin.

They emerge from Holtzmann’s room and Erin is struck by the woman walking towards them. Patty is even taller in real life, and she carries herself with grace and confidence.

She also has a warm smile etched to her features when she addresses to Erin, “Oh, hello. And you are Holtzy’s little friend?”

“She is taller than me, Patty, I don’t think she is really little.”

“Baby, everyone is taller than you. Besides, to me, she is still tiny.”

“Right,” Holtzmann gives up, already accepting of the fact that the height jokes will never die out as long as her friends are around to make them, “this is Erin. My, um, classmate,” she finally introduces Erin officially, faltering while searching for the right term to use. Well, they are technically classmates, but could they already be classified as friends? She hopes that Erin was not offended by her word of choice.

(Erin isn’t offended, but she does secretly and briefly wish that one day they would become comfortable enough to call each other friends.)

“Hi, nice to meet you,” Erin offers her hand and Patty shakes it with enthusiasm.

“Yea, you too, Erin.”

“I hope you don’t mind me crushing your movie night,” Erin says jokingly, but deep down she knows that there is also some seriousness to it that she wouldn’t admit. The idea of being in an environment that she is not wanted has always terrified her (and it probably always will), but she would never let that fear be known to others either.

“Nah, girl, don’t worry about it. We don’t usually have many people over here, but it is also fine when we do. As long as Holtzy is okay, then we are cool.”

Erin can feel the sincerity and honesty oozing through Patty’s words, they aren’t just uttered out of obligation. It gives her the reassurance she was seeking, and it also makes her oddly happy to see how this woman makes Holtzmann’s well-being a priority.

Later she meets Jennifer, who is equally impressive and beautiful. Even though she does not share Patty’s cheerful personality, she is still nice to Erin in her own way. As they dissolve into a mutual conversation, Erin feels her previous worries about tonight being lifted from her shoulders.

______

They watch “X-Men: Apocalypse”.

It was Holtzmann’s turn to pick a movie, and her choice draws a synced-up “of course” from her friends as a reaction. Erin soon finds out that comic books are a shared interest among these three friends, where Holtzmann would break down the science, Jennifer would comment on the political aspects of it, and Patty would chime in with the historic facts. She also learns that Patty and Jennifer aren’t necessarily keen on reading them, but like they always do, they had to find a way to contribute to Holtzmann’s newly-found interest and share her enthusiasm when she first started getting into it.

Erin compares her friendship with Abby to that of these three women. Abby and her aren’t awfully similar to each other personality wise, but they have always had plenty things in common. Their love of science is what brought them together and later many more mutual interests to come.

But she also knows that they had to make adjustments from time to time. Even though she wasn’t the biggest fan of spending time around strangers, she would say yes to Abby’s offer to go out because she knew that her friend was different and did actually enjoy social interactions. But Abby always kept an eye on Erin and her body language, she noted the shifts in her mood and in her speech. Whenever Erin started speaking less and instead do more smiling and nodding out of politeness, she would get them both out of there as soon as she could.

______

Erin and Holtzmann seem to be the ones most familiar with the series, so throughout the movie, they would sometimes jump in to comment or explain certain things to the other two.

Growing up, watching superhero movies was one of the few things that brought Erin joy, and she always found solace in them.

(She would never admit it to anyone, but she knows it was one of the early coping mechanisms that she developed as a kid.)

Her favorite was the Spider-Man series.

Her childhood-self always felt a connection to characters like Peter Parker.

Erin isn’t sure if her 7 year old-self actually dreamed of being bitten by a bug or insect and becoming a superhero, but she remembers finding small pieces of herself in those stories and feeling less alone.

______

Movie night goes by quickly, easily, and pleasantly. At the end of it, Erin doesn’t regret saying yes and coming over like she thought she would, and most importantly, she doesn’t feel drained. Most social gatherings take a lot out of her, but tonight was almost effortless, it had mercy on her. She is glad to learn more about Holtzmann, and to meet two other amazing people.

After she arrives home, she texts Holtzmann to thank her.

 **Erin:** Hey, just wanted to thank you for tonight.

 **Holtzmann:** No biggie. I hope you had fun

 **Erin:** I did, believe me, and it was very nice meeting your friends.

 **Holtzmann:** They liked having you here

 **Holtzmann:** So did I

 **Holtzmann:** Seriously thanks for coming and adding more fun to our night

 **Erin:** You can thank me when I return the favor. :)

 **Holtzmann:** Are you gonna invite me to a movie night with your friends?

 **Erin:** My one friend lives in Boston, and it would be a while until she visits me.

 **Erin:** But I will figure something out, pinky swear.

 **Holtzmann:** Erin i like spending time with you but don’t feel obliged to do anything ok?

_Holtzmann likes spending time with her._

Erin didn’t exactly think she was boring Holtzmann with her existence, nevertheless, it was pleasant to hear it from her firsthand. Or read in this case.

 **Erin:** I like spending time with you too, Holtzmann. It is not an obligation, trust me.

 **Holtzmann:** Good ;)      

Holtzmann finds herself feeling excited in the aspect of spending more time with Erin. She didn’t lie when she confessed to enjoying Erin’s company, however, she is still baffled and a little scared by the fact that how short amount of time it took to get used to having her around.

She figures it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. It doesn’t feel like it is a bad thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here are a few things:  
> 1.Yeap, Jennifer is Holtzmann & Patty's best friend because I am in love with Cecily Strong and I couldn't pass the opportunity.  
> 2.Holtzmann's gaydar shirt is real and you can find it at lookhuman.com  
> 3.And the song Holtzmann was listening to is called Petula Clark - Downtown. 
> 
> Nice words help me to keep going, leave me a comment, tell me what you liked. :)


	3. a very platonic date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick disclaimer: I have never set foot outside of Asia, let alone living in NY, so, like, pardon my technical mistakes.
> 
> Enjoy it!

“So you have quite a few things in common, it seems,” Abby’s voice is heard from Erin’s laptop, lying on her bed while Erin is looking around her room for her misplaced phone.

“Yeah, I think we do,” Erin says and bends to look under her bed as a last resort.

“And when will you fulfill your promise to her and take her out?”

“Abby,” Erin shouts like it is the most illogical thing she has ever heard, she rises, having not found her phone under her bed either, sits on the floor, and drags her laptop to the edge of her bed and closer to herself, “it is not a date!”

“It could be,” Abby suggests easily.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“We’re friends,” Erin shouts, “not even friends,” she then continues with a quieter tone, remembering Holtzmann’s “classmate” remark, “we are getting to know each other.”

“In a platonic way,” she adds after a few seconds.

“So you don’t like her?”

“Of course I do.”

“Let me guess, in a platonic way,” Abby supplies, not letting Erin do so herself.

“Yes, exactly,” Erin says, somewhat annoyed. She isn’t annoyed at Abby, for she is already used to her friend’s harmless teasing. She is annoyed at her own predictability and how deep down, she knows, there is truth to Abby’s assumption.

“Right, right,” Abby pretends to agree. She was going to keep up her teasing and remind her about their last call which was just Erin, going on and on about the pretty, blonde girl in her class and how she wanted to approach her so badly, but Abby decides to stop there, just for now.

“Well, tell me then, what are your platonic plans to take out your platonic friend in a completely platonic manner.”

Nope, still not able to keep all the sarcasm back.

“Abby!”

It was meant to be a final warning and Abby gets the message.

“Okay, okay. But you did promise her “a return of favor”, whatever that is, so what are your plans?”

“I literally called to ask _you_.”

“Oh, so that is why you called? Because you need platonic advice with a girl?” Abby asks, feigning hurt.

“No, I called because I miss my best friend, and also… also seeing Holtzmann with her friends reminded me how much fun _we_ used to have together.”

Moving to New York and starting college were easily two of the best things that have ever happened to Erin, and she was overjoyed when she heard that Abby got into MIT, but saying goodbye to her and a chapter of her life was hard and painful and something that Erin hadn’t been quite ready yet.

“Aw, sappy Erin is back at it again,” Abby says with a smirk.

“I am not sappy.”

“Sure you are, and I miss you too.”

Erin gives her a knowing, warm smile, “So will you help me?”

“No, I won’t,” Abby answers seriously this time.

“What? Abby, come on, are you serious?”

“Dead serious.”

“Why?” Erin asks. She feels a little hurt because she has been fussing over it the whole day.

“Because I don’t know the girl, Erin. All I know is, like, the 4 facts that you gave me, it isn’t much to work from.”

“Just throw in some ideas, don’t sweat it much.”

“Yeah, you sure as hell are sweating a lot right now.”

“Look it is just… I am gonna see her in class tomorrow and I wanna have a plan ready by then,” Erin explains.

“Well, you said it yourself, it isn’t a date, so how about relax a little bit first. Here is a tip, you said she doesn’t like overly crowded and noisy places, so form your potential ideas around that.”

“Yeah, good point, but what do we do? Have a picnic in Washington Square? In October?”

“If you are bold enough, sure. Just don’t make it too romantic, remember, it is not a date,” Abby says with a wink. She can actually feel Erin’s annoyance level rising up.

“You know what, I am not asking you for anything ever again.” She pretends to act annoyed, but Abby was helpful in her own way, and she knows it.

“Come on, you know that I am right, I am always right, and I give the best advice there it is. You got this, Gilbert,” Abby tries to reassure her after she is done teasing her relentlessly.

“Yea, we will see. I sure will not be telling you any details afterwards.”

“Ouch. That really hurt.”

“I hope.”

Abby laughs, which also causes Erin to smile, but she tries not to let it broaden much.

“I have to go now, but, seriously, don’t worry, okay? You two will have great time regardless of the specifics of your non-date. Love you, Erin.”

“Love you too, take care, and thank you.”

They end the call and Erin realizes that Abby was right.

Not the whole banter about it being a date or a romantic occasion. No, no, no.

Erin knows very well that most of the time it isn’t solely the act itself responsible for a quality time, but _people_ who are taking part in it with you.

She could visit the most breathtaking and remarkable places on the planet, but if she doesn’t have the right people to accompany her in her journey, then it won’t mean a thing, it could even turn into a disaster.

The most crucial point is having the right companion. 

 _Maybe it is naïve to be thinking this way, maybe it is the complete opposite for_ them _, or maybe Holtzmann would not even agree with this sentiment, maybe ―_

If Erin lets her thoughts run any longer, it will build a colossal castle of _maybes and fears and insecurities_ around Erin, lock her up, and prevent her from ever taking a chance and testing her theory.

But this isn’t just about a theory or conducting an experiment, is it? No, it is about _Jillian_ , and having a fantastic time with her.

She still needs to come up with an activity though.

_Yeap, back to the original point._

Also her phone. She still needs to find her phone.

______

Thankfully, she finds her phone, but she is still not satisfied with any of the ideas that jump inside her head right and left.

They are kind of okay? Maybe? But she feels they aren’t deserving enough of Holtzmann.

She goes to sleep around 3 AM, hoping she will come up with something next morning before the class. 

She doesn’t.

Well, eventually she does, but it kind of happens last minute.

She thinks while brushing her teeth. She thinks while eating her breakfast, and getting changed to attend her classes. She thinks on her way there, but the best she can come up with is going to a museum, so she decides to roll with it.

Before heading to the classroom, she stops to check the fliers on the board in the hall. It is something that she has come to do out of habit by now. She would check every now and then for science conferences or anything of that sort that might catch her interest.

This time, however, something else captures her attention. There is an invitation to a screening event for a new web-series at “Kimmel Center for University Life” this evening.

It tells the story of two young women of color, _and_ it involves a queer theme.

Definitely better than a trip to a museum, which also would have been amazing, but _not now_ , Erin thinks.

It won’t have a crazy amount of attendants, so it will also be a relatively quieter environment than of a museum’s. It is a perfect pick, Erin decides.

Erin enters the classroom and this time Holtzmann is early.

She is sitting at her usual spot, and when she notices Erin approaching, her lips mold into that small, pretty smile that Erin has already grown so used to.

It dawns on her that how much she appreciates that tiny gesture.

“Hey, you are early,” Erin greets her.

“Hi. Yeah, I know. Jennifer had a morning class too, so she kind of dragged me with her, not letting me stall much.”

“Are you always late to classes and stuff?”

“Kind of… I don’t _mean_ to be late, I _try_ not to be late, but I get distracted. I know it sounds silly and probably lazy to some people, but that is what it is,” Holtzmann explains calmly.

“It is not silly, I understand what you mean,” Erin tries to assure her because the last thing she would want is for Holtzmann to think that she is judging her out of lack of better understanding.

She might not be able to link her mind with Holtzmann’s and experience whatever is going on in her head, but she will still try her best to listen and support her.

“So… I wanted to ask, will you be available today around 6 PM?” Erin asks, a thin layer of hesitation hidden in her voice.

“My classes end around 4, so I guess I will. Although I have a quiz that I need to study for,” Holtzmann replies, “Why you ask?”

“Oh.” It’s kind of unsettling. Erin wouldn’t want to keep Holtzmann from her studies.

Erin goes quiet for a few seconds for she is contemplating whether to tell Holtzmann after all or not.

“Erin, what is it?” Holtzmann catches on Erin’s silence, and is slightly worried now.

“Um, nothing, I just… I wanted to ask if you would like to come to this screening event with me.   It’s a new web-series, apparently. I thought it would be fun,” Erin nervously spits out finally.

“And you know, I would make good on my promise to you.” She smiles, still somewhat feeling tense.

_Yeap, put it there. Just like that. So casually._

“Oh, sounds interesting. Where will they be showing it?”

“Kimmel Center. It isn’t a big event or anything. But, hey, you don’t have to say yes just because I asked. You can decline if you have schoolwork. Or just anything. Really, for whatever reason. I wouldn’t wanna pressure you into something that you don’t want.”

“Erin, calm down, you are not _pressuring_ me into anything,” Holtzmann says, emphasizing _“pressuring”_ so she can get her point ahead clearly.

“Okay.” is all Erin utters.

“And I’d like to go with you,” she finally gives her proper answer, “meet you there?”

“Oh, okay, cool. Sure, we’ll meet there,” Erin is mumbling and she is well aware, “Actually, can we meet in front of the building and go inside together?”

“Sure thing,” Holtzmann doesn’t hesitate to answer right away.

“Okay,” Erin gives her a smile, “wait, what about your quiz?” suddenly she remembers.

“I will study before we go, I don’t need that much of time, don’t worry,” Holtzmann reassures her with a soothing voice.

“All good then?” Erin asks as a final confirmation.

“All good,” Holtzmann replies immediately.

______

 

Erin has another problem now.

She can’t pick something proper to wear.

As she is fussing over her potential outfit choices, she imagines what Abby would have said had they been chatting over Skype right now.

A snarky comment about _this_ bearing resemblance to a date night crisis, for sure.

But Erin is always hectic and conscious about her wardrobe choices.

 

After much looking and weighing on, she settles for a white button up shirt with small triangles on it and her black, ripped jeans. She tops it off with her leather jacket.

Probably not the ideal choices for an October weather.

______

Holtzmann doesn’t struggle as much with her choice of clothing. She goes for a comfy, grey sweater and her favorite overalls.

She dresses up beforehand to avoid any sort of last minute complications that might appear.

When she sees the time is closing to 5:30 PM, she takes a break from her study, shoots a quick text to Erin, and gets going to leave the house.

“Well, aren’t you looking fancy,” Patty comments as soon as she spots Holtzmann, putting her jacket on.

“I look the way I always do, so I guess what you are implying is _fancy_ is my default out-look,” Holtzmann says with a wink.

“Girl, don’t do wordplay with me. You _know_ what I mean.”

“Okay, alright,” she gives in, knowing very well that she can’t escape _this_ , “I am attending a screening event of some sort. At uni.”

“All by yourself?”

“No, Erin asked me to join her.”

“Hah! I knew it,” Patty says with a victorious tone.

“Knew what?” Holtzmann asks.

“Oh, things are getting interesting,” Jennifer comes out of the living room, joining the conversation.

Holtzmann knows very well what her friends are hinting at, but it is two versus one, and this is not a fight that she is going to take up. Especially not now because she doesn’t want to be late.

“You know what, I am gonna go ahead and leave you two to it. I don’t want to keep Erin waiting. See you later.” Holtzmann leaves.

“Of course you don’t, you have always been such a gentlewoman,” Jennifer slightly shouts behind Holtz, not sure if she actually heard it all.

She did.

“Do you think we are over-doing it? I mean they have known each-other what, a week now?” Patty asks mid-laughing.

“We’ll find out soon, won’t we?” Jennifer simply answers.

“Yea, you right. I just want her to be happy.”

“Me too.”

______

Holtzmann is second to arrive.

“Hey, sorry, did I make you wait?” Holtzmann asks.

“No, no, I am early. I am always early,” Erin says with a smile, “can we go inside? It is really cold.”

“Sure.”

Once they are inside and Erin can feel her fingers again, she leans in and brushes Holtzmann’s arm slightly to get her attention, “Hey, thank you for agreeing to meet me at the entrance. I don’t… I just, I feel at unease at unfamiliar places if I don’t have anyone with me.”

“So thank you,” she repeats herself, this time with a genuine smile accompanying it.

“No big deal,” Holtzmann replies without paying mind to it.

Erin doesn’t say anything.

Holtzmann didn’t think much of it, but now she is worried that that answer might have come off as _belittling_ Erin’s fears.

“What I meant is you don’t have to give me an explanation. I would _just understand_ if you tell me something.”

“In that case, I want you to know that you can do the same with me,” Erin says.

They both smile heartily because mutual understanding is, sadly, rare to find, and they know it.

______

The event ends around 8 PM.

Holtzmann seems eager to get out of the building as soon as possible, so they leave, and Erin suggests taking a walk.

“Sure, but can we go to somewhere quiet, please?” Holtzmann asks, gaining more pace with each step, and walking away from the crowd.

Erin tries to keep up, “We can go to the park if you want,” she suggests.

“Okay,” Holtzmann simply agrees.

They enter the park and Holtzmann slows her footsteps, and so does Erin.

She hears Holtzmann taking deep breathes.

“Are you… feeling better?” Erin asks hesitantly.

“Yeah,” Holtzmann answers.

They proceed with their slow walk through the park, and Erin thinks back to her conversation with Abby from yesterday.

_Not having a picnic, but still ended up here._

Abby would probably laugh her lungs out if she found out.

Erin is getting lost in her own thoughts when she hears Holtzmann mumble something under her breath.

When she pays attention, she hears Holtzmann repeating same two sentences back to back.  
 

_Is the night still golden?_

_Is the sky still blue?_

_Is the night still golden?_

_Is the sky still blue?_

_Is the night still golden?_

_Is the sky still blue?  
…_

Erin has a mantra that she uses to help herself calm down whenever she is having a panic attack.

It was advised by her therapist, and she found it to be useful.

Erin assumes Holtzmann is doing something similar since she seemed overwhelmed when they were leaving the building.

Holtzmann senses Erin’s gaze on herself and speaks up, “Was I doing it out loud? Sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, don’t say sorry,” Erin gives her a kind smile, “are you feeling better?”

“Yes,” Holtzmann returns her smile.

They sit down on a bench, and Erin feels the cold catching up with her. She puts her arms around her torso in hopes of gaining some warmth.

Holtzmann starts taking off her black bomber jacket, and when Erin realizes what she is doing, she objects immediately, “Oh, no, no, Holtz, please, don’t.”

“What? I am warm,” Holtzmann says, “Just gonna take it off and place it here, oh, look, you are feeling cold, what a coinkydink, there you go,” she hands it to Erin with a smirk.

“Is that your famous trick?” Erin accepts the offered jacket, defeated.

“Dunno, never used it before. How well does it work, in your opinion?”

“Not working at all.”

“Well, you are currently putting it on, so…” Holtzmann says with another satisfied grin.

“Shut up.”

“So… Did you like it?” Erin asks a few seconds later.

“Yea, I did. It was aimed to tell the untold stories of groups that are usually overlooked. That kind of stuff hits home close, and I’d imagine that’s what it did with many people tonight.”

“And it did that with you as well?”

“Yes,” Holtzmann answers without skipping a beat.

“Because you are…”

“Yes, because I’m gay. You can say it, you know, it isn’t a dirty word, Erin,” Holtzmann says with a mild smile.

“I know, I just―”

Holtzmann cuts her off, “I mean that is why you invited me, right?”

“What?” Erin blurts out, slightly confused.

“You invited me because you thought the queer theme, I don’t know, might interest me?” 

“I invited you because I enjoy your company,” Erin says sharply and surely.

“I didn’t mean to sound… _ungrateful_ , but people do love stereotyping and making assumptions based on what little they know.”

Holtzmann has already come to form a vague idea on what kind of person Erin is, but she also knows that she tends to attract a lot of attention from people, and people love to assume and speculate.

“I wouldn’t do that, well, at least not on purpose,” Erin replies understandingly, “and if it makes you feel better, I didn’t specifically go looking for something with a queer theme in it.”

“No?”

“No,” Erin shakes her head, “but I was pleased when I saw it because I thought it would be something nice for, um, for both of us.”

As soon as words leave her mouth, Erin realizes what she has just said.

_She came out to Holtzmann._

Well, sort of.

She isn’t exactly dreading the consequences, however, it all still feels _raw,_ thus a little scary to deal with because Holtzmann is the only person, other than Abby, to know at the moment.

“Oh, I didn’t… I didn’t know, sorry,” Holtzmann says with a faint amount of surprise.

Was she completely blown away by Erin’s confession? Hardly.

But she doesn’t like making assumptions about people either, so the _thought_ itself might have wandered in the deepest corners of her mind over the past week, but nothing in an _elaborative_ manner.

“It is fine. It isn’t like I wore a shirt with a prominent message on it to let you now,” says Erin jokingly, deciding to carry _it_ with a light attitude.

“The shirt, right. Hey, just so you know, it wasn’t done deliberately,” Holtzmann says, grinning and tilting her head slightly.

“I believe you.”

“I am telling the truth.”

“Jillian,” Erin says pausing, “so am I.”

“Okay, well, it was a coming out gift from Patty, so maybe it is my turn to get _you_ one.”

“I am honored, but I don’t think I can wear it _yet_ ,” Erin replies. Her own words shouldn’t make her sad, but they do.

“Erin, I didn’t push you out of the closet accidentally, did I?” Holtzmann asks, concerned.

“No, but you are the second person to know after Abby. I think I just… well, I mean I am still figuring it out. I have only kissed a total of two people of two different genders, and they both felt nice, but I don’t know if that is enough data to work from.”

Erin notices the shaking in her voice, which shouldn’t surprise her. She isn’t used to talking about it so openly.

“Erin, you can trust your instincts too, you know. Yes, you can experiment if you want, but it isn’t a necessity. Also don’t feel like labels are strictly permanent and unchangeable once you utter them out loud.”

“And you?” Erin asks, wanting to push away the focus of conversation from herself.

“It was different for me. I always knew, or have come to know as early as age of five probably. I didn’t see the problem with it or recognize the peculiarity. So I told my parents about my _crushes_. I guess they brushed them off, thinking it was just my _over-admiration_ for my friends. I kept having crushes and talking about them, but as I got older, they did finally start taking it for what it was, and they, uh, let’s just say that I had to force my way to the closet, and it wasn’t like anything I have ever experienced before for I have never been in one to begin with.”

“I am sorry for making you relieve the memories,” Erin says in a hushed voice.

She knows there is a lot more than Holtzmann is letting on.

And the idea of there being _more_ upsets her further.

_More pressure put on her by her parents, more cruelty, more suffering._

_Jillian is a loving soul, and she only deserves affection and being surrounded by good people._

“You didn’t make anything happen, they are wandering in my head all the time, regardless,” Holtzmann says with a smile. Erin is well aware that she uses it to mask her pain.

“I think you’re right,” Erin says suddenly. “I need to rely on my feelings, and trust my instincts more, but I just _can’t_.”

“What are you scared of?”

“Deceiving myself? And others too, ultimately.”

“You are worried that you are lying to yourself, that you aren’t actually bi?”

“Yes.”

Erin’s answer is short and simple, yet for her, it carries _a lot_.

A lot of her insecurities, her doubts, her fears.

“Here is a secret or a tip if you will. Most of the time if you are questioning, there is a big chance that you are not, indeed, straight,” Holtzmann says and she hopes that Erin sees truth in her words.

And Erin does see the point and wants to believe. She does believe. There’re times she is so sure of herself. But there are also times, _very low points_ , her brain wouldn’t stop with its hateful banter, telling her that she is _lying, pretending, faking for attention._

“You don’t think I may be faking it?” Erin asks abruptly, even surprising herself. She has never spoken it out like this before.

“Why?”

“For attention.”

“You are still partially in the closet, are you not?”

Erin senses where Holtzmann is going with it.

“Yes…”

“I have never seen anyone faking something like that, for whatever reason. That aside, if you were really faking it, you wouldn’t be in the closet. You wouldn’t even have a closet to be in.”

“Thank you,” Erin says, the tremble in her voice more sensible. She does not want to cry in front of Jillian.

“Not for this,” Holtzmann smiles and reaches to squeeze Erin’s hand with her own.

______

They walk home from the park together. At some point, Erin returns Holtzmann’s jacket despite her objection. Holtzmann, Erin learns, is very stubborn. She also learns that she can pierce through that obstinacy maybe just a little.

Her platonic date with Holtzmann didn’t turn out how she expected it would, but at this point, she is used to being surprised, and maybe she can even learn to enjoy it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So "Brown Girls" is an actual web-series that I watched weeks ago when it first came out. And, funnily enough, there was actually a screening at Kimmel Center, NYU. ;) (You can watch it at www.browngirlswebseries.com)
> 
> And the lyrics that Holtzmann was mumbling to belong to the song "Bec Sandridge - Stones".
> 
> Comments/Kudos are highly appreciated. :)


	4. an improvised sleepover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This came out kind of, um, how do you call it... fluffy? I am baffled with myself tbh. Anyway, I hope you like it.

Two weeks have passed since their conversation at the park, however, Erin still can’t believe she _came out_ to Holtzmann _._

She knows she is an over-sharing person, but this feels _different_.

There is _something_ about Jillian, Erin thinks, something in the way she listens and pays attention to what Erin has to say and in the way she supplies the right responses each time.

Erin does not like oversharing. Later, it fills her with regret, aversion, and even shame.  Her therapist and Abby have been the only exceptions.

Until a few weeks ago.

In a short amount of time, Jillian has become someone Erin can reveal parts of her world, offer pieces of her life to, and not have it bring out revolting feelings later.

She makes Erin feel safe. So Erin opens up to her. But when she does, Holtzmann doesn’t take away that safety, and leave her defenseless. She doesn’t shame her, pity her, or use her vulnerability against her.

She does the opposite. She makes her feel safer.

Maybe she should be scared of the growing effect that Holtzmann seems to have on her, but she can’t bring herself to do anything but want to spend more time with her.

Which is exactly what she is about to do. She is heading over to the cafeteria to have lunch with Holtzmann.

“Hey, stranger,” Erin greets her before sitting down.

“Hey. To think, we were still strangers 3 weeks ago around this time.”

“True. Although to me, it feels longer than that. It feels like _this_ ,” Erin points between herself and Holtzmann, “this has been going on for months now.”

Erin meant it in the sincerest way possible, though she can’t help but worry that Holtzmann would misinterpret it.

She doesn’t.

She gives Erin a big, hearty, and dimpled smile. Erin wishes Holtzmann would smile this deep more often, so she could marvel at her facial features and how they look when they light up with momentary joy.

She wishes Holtzmann’s smiles lasted longer than just a moment.

“Your midterm. It was today, yea?” Erin remembers Holtzmann mentioning it yesterday.

“It was and it went pretty well.” Holtzmann answers.

“Glad to hear it,” Erin smiles, “we will be having one on Tuesday for our shared class as well.”

“Yeap, it is on my mind.”

“Would you wanna study together?” Erin suggests.

“I, um, I am afraid I am not one to participate in study groups,” Holtzmann reasons awkwardly.

“Is it because you can’t concentrate well if you are not alone?”

“Kind of. I mean, I have never been part of a study group before, but I don’t think it could ever be beneficial for me.”

“I understand.”

“Do you need help with the midterm?” Holtzmann asks.

_Well, that is a reasonable question._

So does she need help? Not really.

Self-doubt, _about everything that she is,_ has always followed her like a shadow, rushing fervently in her blood during particularly tough moments – a meltdown, namely. But if there is one thing that she is sure of, that is her intelligent.

She knows she is smart, she has been told so, many times. Even though big, scary claws of self-doubt sometimes manages to reach _there_ as well, she chins up fast, gains her confidence back fast.

“No, not really, but I thought it would be fun. It’s okay, don’t worry,” Erin reassures her.

Holtzmann thinks about it for a moment.

 _Would it be nice spending time with Erin?_ Yes, for sure.

 _Could she come up with something to help her adjust?_ Probably.

And, mostly, she doesn’t want to see Erin upset.

“Do you have roommates?” Holtzmann asks, realizing that she doesn't know much about Erin's living arrangements.

“No, it is a one person apartment, and it is rather small, but it has a nice view, so I like it.”

“Would you mind if I crawled in your couch, listening to my music, studying in my corner while you did your own studying?”

Erin smiles, “I would not mind at all, but are you sure you would be fine like that?”

“It will be splendid, no worries,” Holtzmann throws a wink at her.

“Do you wanna come over today?”

“I think tomorrow would be better if you are free on weekend, that is.”

“I am. That is the time I practice with my cooking skills actually. I will make lunch for us.”

“Oh, that is intriguing now. Whatcha gonna make?” Holtzmann asks, suddenly much more interested in the idea.

“What would you want?”

“Spaghetti?”

“Sure, but I don’t think it would be challenging for me.”

“Fine, then spaghetti with Bolognese sauce on top. How does that sound?” Holtzmann suggests.

“Excellent. But I definitely need to do grocery shopping for the missing ingredients.”

“Don’t,” Holtzmann says firmly.

“Huh?”

“Let’s improvise.”

“I don’t think that is a good idea.”

“Maybe not, but it sure is _challenging_ ,” Holtzmann says with a grin.

“That is. But _you_ are eating it if it turns out to be a disaster.”

“Aren’t you a charming host.”

“Hey, it was your idea.”

“It was, and I don’t exactly like change in my food, but I will be the one making changes, so it will be mind-blowing. Just wait and see,” Holtzmann says with confidence.

“We'll see,” Erin says, now laughing mildly. Cooking with Holtzmann sounds exciting and dangerous at the same time. Actually, this is the moment she realizes that she will be making food _with_ Holtzmann, not just _for_ Holtzmann.

______

“Hey, um, I am heading over to Erin’s, we will study together,” Holtzmann speaks up.

“Okay,” Jennifer says, not looking up from her laptop.

“Are you not gonna say anything?”

“Do you _want_ me to say something?” Jennifer looks up and asks with a raised eyebrow.

“I dunno, you two are usually overflowing with opinions when it comes to me spending time with Erin.”

“You give us a lot to generate opinions from.”

“Such as?”

“When did you become a person who seeks out for a study partner?”

“Can’t I try new things?”

“That is what I am talking about,” Jennifer returns her attention to her laptop.

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing,” Jennifer answers casually.

“Oh-kay. Gonna go now. See you later.” Holtzmann leaves.

“Have fun,” Jennifer says, smiling to herself. 

______

“Hey, come in,” Erin greets her at the door.

It’s, as Erin mentioned, relatively a small apartment with a living room area that also contains a bed and a closet on the right corner and a study desk next to it. There is a small couch, coffee table, television and two separate book shelves on the side corner of the room. The front wall is entirely covered with a long line of windows, which is what makes the apartment very bright in contrast to Holtzmann’s place. Being on the 18th floor probably adds to that too. 

“Where is the kitchen,” she asks enthusiastically with a big smile.

“This way,” Erin leads the way, “I already have the water boiling for spaghetti.”

Holtzmann places her backpack on Erin’s desk chair and follows her to the kitchen.

“So the sauce.”

“The improvised sauce.”

“Yes, that one. Are we making it if you haven’t changed your mind yet.”

“I didn’t do the proper grocery shopping, so yes,” Erin says as she goes to take out a pan.

The kitchen is also very luminous, but a bit too small for two people.

“Okay, let’s get to it then.”

And they do.

-

“Holtzmann, that is entirely too much tomato.”

“I disagree. Tomato is great, you can never have too much of it.”

-

“Out of the needed beef, pork, bacon, and chicken, I only have some beef and chicken breast. Neither in enough quantity.”

“It is fine, we will just make sure to serve equal amounts to each of us.”

“So we will mostly be eating chunks of tomato and maybe two slices of chicken?”

“I will give you one of my slices as well if you want.” Holtzmann smiles.

“Thanks.”

-

“Do you have carrots?”

“Yes, but no mushrooms.”

“What can we put in instead?”

“Um, broccoli?”

“Excellent.”

“I can’t believe I am doing this.”

-

“I have no wine.”

“We will replace it with other liquid substances.”

“I have no other alcohol.”

“Doesn’t have to be alcohol.”

Holtzmann opens Erin’s fridge, and grabs the first two things that she lays eyes on.

“Soy sauce and lemons? How is that even an equivalent to wine?” Erin asks, puzzled. Although at this point, she should be unfazed by Holtzmann.

“It isn’t. We are just rolling with it.”

“That is going to be too sour.”

“It will give flavor.”

-

“I think I will just chop up whatever greenery I have.”

“There you go. You are getting used to it.”

Erin just laughs.

-

“Do you have red pepper?”

“Yeah. Black too.”

-

“Oh my God, Holtzmann, we won’t be able to eat it if you make it too hot to even put in our mouths.”

“Relax, it is just a bit of pepper.”

“That is not _a bit_.”

-

“What did we forget?”

“Almost everything?”

“Oh, I know, onion and garlic. Can we skip them? I hate garlic.”

“We can limit it to bare minimum onion.”

“Okay,” Holtzmann agrees.

-

The final product isn’t too disastrous as Erin has been dreading it would be.

Their spaghetti has gone a little bit cold while they were focusing on the sauce.

And their improvised Bolognese is, as Erin predicted, sour and hot, but still edible.

“What did you put all that pepper in for, oh God,” Erin says as she takes a sip from her drink.

“I guess I was trying to make Patty proud,” Holtzmann answers while chewing.

“By making the food unbearably hot?”

“Yeah, kind of. She is the one always inspecting whatever is being cooked, so we wouldn’t end up eating _‘bland ass white people food’_ as she likes to call it.”

“That was your way of seasoning the food?”

“Yeap.”

“I have bad news: you failed her,” Erin says in a low tone, holding back a laugh.

“Ouch,” Holtzmann clutches her heart, “does this mean I also failed you? Will you not be trying improvised recipes anymore?”

“Who knows, maybe I will, but you are not allowed to join in.”

“That is fair.”

______

After finishing their lunch, they settle into a quiet and peaceful set-up in order to study for their upcoming midterm as they agreed they would.

Erin takes a seat on the floor, near the coffee table, and Holtzmann nestles to the side of the couch, listening to her music.

It doesn’t take long for them to catch a rhythm, and especially for Holtzmann to ease into the new environment.

Holtzmann uses her earbuds and keeps the sound of her music low not to bother Erin.

They study for an hour before Holtzmann notices Erin slightly waving her hand to get her attention.

“What is up,” she says, taking the earbuds off.

“Tea break?” Erin offers.

“Sure,” Holtzmann agrees with a smile. She isn’t used to taking breaks. When the hyperfocus kicks in, and she fixates on whatever she is doing, the outside world fades away.

Patty and Jennifer have to drag her away and out of her room, and re-introduce her to the civil society, so she can keep being a functional human being.

Now that responsibility lies on Erin’s shoulders.

“Um, do you have chocolate?”

“Will chocolate brownies do?”

“Absolutely.”

“Come on,” Erin gestures for her to follow her with a big smile.

“Oh, are we gonna make improvised brownies as well?”

“No, thanks God, they are pre-cooked,” Erin replies with genuine relief. She has no doubt they would end up eating gummy bear and banana stuffed brownies, which Erin is pretty sure already exists, but she isn’t ready to taste that yet.

“You are wounding me, Erin, but I am excited for the brownies, nevertheless.”

-

“Are you comfortable with our studying setting?” Erin asks while she is pouring tea, “Have you been able to get any work done?”

“Yes, you are the best studying partner I have ever had,” Holtzmann responds.

“I thought you never had one before.”

“I haven’t,” Holtzmann says with a smirk.

Erin smiles and turns away to put the brownies into plates, also to hide the mild blush that must be appearing on her cheeks, she is sure.

“Are you anxious about this upcoming exam?” Erin asks as she places the tea mugs on the coffee table.

“Sort of. I am anxious about… other stuff more,” Holtzmann says as she takes one of the mugs.

It is a big, white mug that reads _“everything happens for a reason which is usually physics”._

“Other stuff?” Erin asks cautiously, “You wanna talk about it?”

“Just good ol’ occasional doubts,” Holtzmann says with a sigh.

“Something specific or in general?”

“Specific. My choice of field, mostly.”

“It was nuclear engineering, right? Why are you uncertain?” Erin asks as she takes her mug and sits down on the couch next to Holtzmann.

“Don’t know,” Holtzmann takes a deep breath, “sometimes I get bored out my head and want to throw everything away and quit it all.”

“Quit college?”

“Yeah.”

“Was it not your own choice? Doing something science related I mean.” She adds short after, “Did your parents impose it on ―”

“No, I had already cut my relation with them when I was applying,” Holtzmann says.

“Okay. Then why did you go for it?”

“Because it seemed like the most natural choice.”

“How is that?”

Holtzmann feels like she is being questioned, but she knows Erin means well, and her own apprehensive brain does way worse when intrusive thoughts take over and flood inside her head.

“I loved everything science growing up. Science classes were my favorite out of all and the only ones I could maintain attention in. I was an avid follower of science documentaries, and my parents happily provided me with a lot of them seeing it captured my attention for some long hours. When I was seven, I took apart the clock in my room because it was making too much noise, and I hated it, so I thought I could _fix_ it.”

“How did that come along?”

“Not well. My parents were pissed, they threw it away and bought a digital one. It solved my noise problem, but I was still eager to dismantle more stuff. I knew my parents would get mad again if they found out, so I did it secretly. I would usually get up at night after everyone went to sleep and mostly pick up small things like the toaster, or my mom’s hair dryer and take them to my closet to _work on_ , so to speak.”

“I put them back together neatly, so they only had their suspicions,” Holtzmann pronounces the last part with a whisper and smiles, “I also started building things in our science lab at school when I was a tad bit older. It is one thing that I enjoyed the most. So here we are.”

“I think that might be the answer you are looking for,” Erin says confidently.

“Huh?”

“Maybe you are having issues because it is theoretical stuff right now, and you haven’t got the chance to do anything experimental. Have you?”

“I’ll have a general physics laboratory class next semester.”

“Maybe it will help you to have a firmer idea,” Erin says in that reassuring tone of hers that Holtzmann has gotten used to by now.

“Wouldn’t it be too late?”

“It must be stressing, and I know it is hard to believe, but it is never late to find the right path.”

“I will try to hold on to that.”

“Good,” Erin says, offering a kind smile, “now let’s eat these brownies.”

______

They eat the brownies and drink their teas and later go back to studying.

After a long, tiring studying session, they decide to treat themselves to a movie. However, they end up watching Parks and Recreation instead.

Time flies by and by the time they decide to take a break from their binge watching, it is close to 12 AM.

“Hey, do you think you might wanna, um, stay over?” Erin asks, unsure, “It is just, it is getting really late.”

“My apartment isn’t that far away.”

“I know, but I still wouldn’t want you to walk home late at night.”

It is a yes or no question, but Holtzmann doesn’t know what to say.

“An improvised sleepover?” Erin suggests.

Erin is adorable, Holtzmann thinks, and it is impossible not to smile whenever she says something cute. _Or just in general._  

“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t enjoy spontaneity that much,” she says jokingly.

“Sorry,” Erin replies in an apologetic tone.

“Is this couch even comfortable enough to sleep on,” Holtzmann asks all of a sudden.

“What? Well, no, I mean I wouldn’t let you sleep on this couch, look at it, it is even too small for sitting.”

Holtzmann laughs at that because it _is_ kind of a small couch.

“Wow, does that mean you are hypothetically offering your bed to me. Maybe you aren’t a terrible host after all.”

“I too ate that godforsaken sauce, didn’t I?”

“Why wouldn’t you? It was amazing.”

Erin rolls her eyes.

“You know I wouldn’t let you take the couch either, right?”

“Why?”

“Didn’t you just disclose that your lovely couch isn’t even good enough for its intended function?”

“Yea, but I would fit.”

“Erin, I’m smaller than you,” Holtzmann states with a sharp glare.

“Come on, we can share the bed. If you want, that is.”

“Wait, are you staying?” Erin asks, confused by the new revelation.

“I am. Will you provide me with some comfy pj’s or something similar?”

“Um, sure,” Erin gets up to look into her closet for something appropriate to give Holtzmann.

They move to the sleeping area, where Erin’s bed and closet stand.

Erin starts looking through her t-shirt stack, “Would you be cool with a t-shirt and shorts?

“Go for it,” Holtzmann says while she starts slowly undressing, mostly unconsciously because her brain is cooked from all the studying and binge watching they have done all day, and for a moment, she forgets that she actually has to wait for Erin to leave the room.

“Found a shirt. Looking for the shorts now,” Erin announces, putting the shirt aside. It is a black shirt with small pugs printed on the chest area.

“Okay,” Holtzmann says, now taking off her jeans.

After much browsing, she finally finds a pair of blue shorts that she has no memory of ever buying, or wearing for that matter.

“Okay, this is the best I could do,” Erin turns around to present the said items to Holtzmann.

She finds Holtzmann standing next to her bed, smiling, and wearing only her grey sports bra and boxer briefs.

“Um, they are clean, hope you like them,” Erin says in a rushed tone, placing them on the bed before she goes to leave the room in a hurry.

“Thanks!” Holtzmann shouts behind her back.

Half way to the bathroom, she realizes that she didn’t take her own pyjamas, so she awkwardly goes back, “Sorry, forgot mine.” She takes them out of the drawer, turns to leave, a split second later changes her mind, turns to Holtzmann and mutters a “you’re welcome” before rushing to the bathroom again.

While she is getting changed in the tiny bathroom, Erin hopes for the day that will, surely, come along, where she will be capable of handling situations that involve pretty girls without embarrassing herself.

_That day will come._

(Probably not.)

She returns to find Holtzmann sitting on the bed, thankfully clothed. She is texting Patty to let them know that she will stay over the night.

“Are they good,” Erin awkwardly points at the t-shirt & shorts combo.

“Amazing,” Holtzmann says with a huge grin, “and I am sorry for freaking you out there.”

“I didn’t freak out. I… got caught off guard.”

 _Got caught off guard? Off guard of_ what _? The Gay?_

_That day will never come._

“Whichever you prefer,” Holtzmann says with a smug impression and Erin is glad that she didn’t drag it out further.

They get in the bed, “Which side is yours?” Holtzmann asks.

“The one you are sitting on right now.”

“Oh.” Holtzmann moves to the side close to the window. The bed perfectly lines up with the windowsill, which is probably only four fingers wide, so she is able to gaze outside from where she is lying without even moving.

“Told you the view was great,” Erin says, looking at Holtzmann.

“I love it.”

Twenty or so minutes later, Erin, still unable to go to sleep, turns around to face Holtzmann.

She is lying in a rather odd position, face down, her arms hugging her torso over her stomach.

“Hey,” Erin whispers.

Holtzmann’s head is already turned to the side, and she is facing Erin. She cracks her eyes open, “Hi.”

“Is that comfortable? That position I mean.”

“It puts pressure on my body, and it actually feels nice. I dunno if it would feel nice to someone else, but it works for me.”

“Don’t think it would work for me.”

Holtzmann smiles at her.

“And when someone sleeping next to you hugs you? Does that have the same effect?” Erin blurts out suddenly, she isn’t sure where the question sprung to her mind, but she can’t take it back now, that is for sure.

“Don’t know, never had anyone sleeping next to me.”

“Are you offering to hug me?” Holtzmann asks after a few seconds.

“I can spoon you. If you want,” Erin says with a light teasing even though she is actually being serious. Well, mostly serious. She will withdraw the offer the moment Holtzmann says no, but in order not to make things awkward, keeping the mood light is the ideal option, Erin thinks.

“Okay,” Holtzmann says with a small laugh. She is grateful that the room is dark except the moonlight coming through the window, so Erin can’t see her blushing. Holtzmann is not a hugger, she doesn’t enjoy physical contact most of the time unless it is within her consent and from people that she is comfortable with.

She is comfortable with Erin, comfortable enough to share her thoughts, clothes, and even a bed. She knows Erin would draw off if Holtzmann asks her to.

Her thoughts are erratic, she isn’t sure what she is exactly feeling right now. She doesn’t know why her heart is suddenly beating faster. Is she scared? Shy? Or both?

_But why?_

“Holtzmann,” Erin calls her name quietly, “you have to turn around if you wanna be the little spoon. I think that is how it works.”

“Right.” She moves closer to Erin and turns to face the window. She can feel Erin’s arm hesitantly moving along to embrace her, pulling her closer. She can feel Erin’s breath on the nape of her neck. They aren’t pressed to each other tightly, but it still feels somewhat _intimate_. More intimate than Holtzmann has ever been with anyone.

Holtzmann thinks she will have a good night’s sleep being in Erin’s embrace, feeling safe, and having a soothing view of the night sky in front of her.

She leans down, dipping her body deeper into the mattress again, and essentially pulling Erin with her.

“You okay?” Erin asks.

“Yeah, sorry. It has become a habit now I guess.”

“It is fine. I am doing fine.”

She is doing fine. Holtzmann feels soft under her touch, and she smells oh so _nice and sweet_.

Erin decides she loves being the big spoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, look at these two. Lis said my "sharing a bed" idea was so innovative and never done before. I believe her. 
> 
> Okay, but I will probably have more sappy trops like that one, so get ready for them.
> 
> The quote on Erin's mug is from lookhuman.com, (again), but it is a shirt, not a mug. 
> 
> And, lastly, comments are always appreciated.


End file.
